I’ve been thinking a lot about closure lately. I always say that I want it, but I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the only way you can ever really get closure is by choosing to move on.
I’ve had relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Some ended amicably and some not so much, but it hurt regardless. It’s true what they say. Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end. Sure it’s hard to be left with unanswered questions, but whether you know exactly why someone left you or you aren’t quite sure what went wrong, the bottom line is still the same. It’s over. The only time I’ve ever really felt good about a guy from my past is when he came crawling back and I was able to tell him it was too late.
I recently ended a situation and have spent the past couple of weeks being sad about it. He became a big part of my life and even though I knew I would miss him, I didn’t realize quite how much. So I started thinking about all of the good times and blaming myself for our demise. If only I had done this, or if only I hadn’t said that.
For months, “Max” and I had been in relationship purgatory trapped in that awful place between hooking up and an actual relationship. At first, I was truly fine with the situation. I could still do my thing and hang out with Max. Eventually though, after he met my sister, who thought he was great, and we spent Thanksgiving together, my feelings became more real. It didn’t help that my friends and family were constantly asking what the deal was. So I started wondering what the deal was.
Even though I wasn’t 100% sure about what I wanted or how I felt, I wanted Max to be sure. I know that’s not really fair, but I’m a firm believer that the guy should be the one to initiate the conversation. If they really want to be with you, then they will take that risk even if the girl is hard to read like I am.
I let my frustrations build up and they all came out one drunken night at a bar. I don’t recommend doing this (that is another blog though), but I guess it needed to happen. Situations like ours have an expiration date. At a certain point, you have to move forward or be done.
I made it pretty clear that I was open to moving forward. Max was not. Our actual conversation was mature and we left things in the best possible way (if there is a best possible way). Yet I still found myself crying. It stopped mattering that I had been unsure about him because all I thought about was his cute smile, the fact that he always gave me his parking space, and the way he would sometimes grab my hand in the middle of the night. I missed knowing everything what was going on in his life and being able to talk to him about mine. And yes, I miss kissing him. A lot.
I broke pretty much all of my rules (no contact, let him miss you, go out with dignity). I texted him happy Valentine’s Day and even sent him movies we had talked about watching before everything went down. He responded but only because he is a nice person. I was talking about the situation with my guy friend (you should always get advice on guys from other guys because they will tell it like it is). He was like why are you wasting time and energy on someone who doesn’t want to be in your life?
It was harsh but it was true. So I’ve decided I’m no longer going to do it. I’ve also had time to think about all of the reasons I was unsure about Max. He never took me out or introduced me to his friends. In all the times we hung out he never even came close to telling me how he felt. I want a guy who wants to show me off and treat me like a princess. I want someone who isn’t afraid to show me exactly how he feels.
So I’m finally over it. It didn’t come from anything Max said (or what he didn’t say). It came from me deciding to let it go. I love myself enough to be happy and to find someone who not only wants to be in my life but deserves to be. You never what the future may hold. I never say never, but I’ve realized that Max isn’t in control of the situation. Sure, he gets to decide whether or not he ever wants to be in my life again, but I get to decide whether or not I want to let him back him. I also get to decide that I’m going to be happy either way.
And that my friend’s is what they call closure.