I can’t decide if it’s worse to be a guy or girl in a relationship. Girls have so many rules. Don’t initiate “the conversation,” don’t be the first to say I love you, let the guy chase you, and so on and so forth. It seriously sucks to have to wait for guys to do this.
People always say that if a guy is really into you, he will step up to the plate and I believe this to be true. However, it’s hard to give up control of the situation. On the other hand, it can’t be easy for guys. It’s scary to pursue someone and even scarier to put yourself out there.
I’ve been hurt a lot. It’s partly my fault. I am the queen of falling for “bad boys,” or emotionally unavailable men. I often pick situations that I KNOW won’t work out because it hurts less when it doesn’t. I want what I can’t have and I self sabotage. I let my fears and insecurities keep me from being open to the one thing I want most in the world.
I’m 31 and single. I’ve failed at every relationship I’ve ever been in. When you’re young you just assume that you will fall in love, get married and have children (if you want that). You don’t realize that it doesn’t just happen and there are lots of bumps on the road to love. Lately, I’ve started to question if I will ever find that person. I’ve thought back to guys from my past and wondered if things might have been different if I had just stopped being so afraid.
Sometimes I test guys. Sometimes I push them away. Sometimes I let them think that I don’t want a commitment (and sometimes I even convince myself that I don’t because being with one person for the rest of my life scares the shit out of me). I want someone to pass all my tests and fight for me. I want a guy to say he wants to be with me in spite of the fact that I haven’t made him feel confident about how I feel. I know that is completely ridiculous and unfair, but that would make life so much easier. For me.
The thing about that is that I have regrets. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather put myself out there and get hurt than wonder what could have happened if I’d just gone for it. I’m probably never going to be the first to say I love you or initiate the conversation, but I can let him know that I think he’s amazing, that I love spending time with him and that I’m open to taking things to the next level. Again, if a guy really wants to be with you then these things won’t scare him off (provided of course you do this after a decent amount of time and not on the first date).
I’d like to think that my past relationships weren’t meant to be and even if I had told them how I felt it wouldn’t have changed anything. But I can’t be 100% sure. All I can do is learn from it and be more open and honest moving forward. I also know that I’m not going to find love if I don’t believe that I can so I’m trying really hard to believe. They say it happens when you least expect it and I’m definitely not expecting it right now. So in the wise words of Amanda Marshall “Throw away the chains. Let love fly away. ‘Til love comes again, I’ll be OK.” And in the wise words of Sammi (yes I just referred to myself in the third person), don’t ever be afraid or ashamed to say what you feel.
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